Heinrich del Core

Every year we look forward to Christmas!

But as soon as Advent begins, any hope of peace and quiet goes out the window. Candles are placed, wreaths are woven.

Advent is when the wife clears out the basement and decorates the flat. The husband wants to iron his shirts once a year, but every socket is taken up by fairy lights.

In town centres, people battle through the crowds hunting for gifts. By 23 December they're completely done in, only to realise: "I've finally got my presents sorted - now I just need to get the ones for everyone else!"

The best solution is to switch straight to "Swabian gift-giving": stop buying anything and spend Advent collecting parcel deliveries for the neighbours instead.

And then the family arrives... In the old days you ate whatever was put on the table. Now the son is vegetarian, his girlfriend is vegan, the daughter has a strong intolerance to dungarees, and the wife is already putting milk in the sugar.

Christmas is supposed to be the festival of love - but can you really call it that when the wife bakes mountains of "Bredle" (traditional Christmas biscuits) and then hides them so the husband doesn't eat them all before the big day? On Christmas Eve you first have to go on a "Bredle" hunt. At that point Christmas starts to feel more like Easter.